Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

I'm not raising the children, I'm raising the grown ups that they're going to be.

People don't talk to me on airplanes.

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.