My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em ... even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.