I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.

Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.