Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

Expensive quality work doesn't cost more - it pays.

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.