Do you know why more people don't sober up? Because they don't wear their livers on the outside. If everyone wore their liver on their forehead, say, it would be on full view and people would say, 'Heffens, Jock, that liver of yours is looking fair hobnailed,' and they would get shamed into doing something about it.

Clever plastic surgery can restore an appearance of youth, but nothing changes the expression of age and experience in the eyes.

Okay, I'm lazy. But being lazy is a talent. Sometimes it takes an awful lot of work.

Isn't it sad that we only get upset about nasty things happening to people and places if television decides we should?

religion's for those who believe in hell and a spiritual belief is for those who've been there.

I never wanted to be a literary writer. I wanted to be an entertainer. All I wanted was to give what a lot of writers had given me: a good time on a bad day.

A lady is as young as the gentleman she feels," said Roy and cackled happily.