Do you know why more people don't sober up? Because they don't wear their livers on the outside. If everyone wore their liver on their forehead, say, it would be on full view and people would say, 'Heffens, Jock, that liver of yours is looking fair hobnailed,' and they would get shamed into doing something about it.

Clever plastic surgery can restore an appearance of youth, but nothing changes the expression of age and experience in the eyes.

Okay, I'm lazy. But being lazy is a talent. Sometimes it takes an awful lot of work.

the whistle of the old steam trains ... could conjure up visions of bleak distances with one solitary wail.

Just at the turn of the tide, nature held its breath - no bird sang, everything seemed to be waiting and waiting. And then, sure enough, as if someone had flicked a switch, everything started in motion again.

Ah, when love dies, women lose two and a half inches in height.

That was the trouble with so many reality programmes on television - everyone wanted fame these days without necessarily working at anything to achieve it.