If you want something Scottish, go get yourself a kilt.

I spend my jollity on stage, so there is less in my own life.

I think Ross Noble is the only person that I've seen really storm a stand-up slot at a festival, and that was when he led 3,000 people on a conga out of the tent and across the entire site to a vegetarian food truck.

I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.

The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it's so straightforward and simple. If the audience don't laugh, you didn't do your job. I've had some audiences where I didn't care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.

I have learnt that I am incapable of packing the right amount of clothing, probably because I start 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave, and that I truly hate airports.

Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.