The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!

Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it.

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.

If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel.