There isn't any way to libel the human race.

I am not interested to know whether vivisection produces results that are profitable to the human race or doesn't...The pain which it inflicts upon unconsenting animals is the basis of my enmity toward it, and it is to me sufficient justification of the enmity without looking further.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

To place man properly at the present time, he stands somewhere between the angels and the French.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

Benefit of clergy: Half-rate on the railroad.

It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any day. "Give them to others"-that's my motto.