The most successful people are those who do all year long what they would otherwise do on their summer vacation.

Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to do?

The equator was wisely put where it is, because if it had been run through Europe all the kings would have tried to grab it.

My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess; second, don't drink - to excess; third, don't marry - to excess.

A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

Nevertheless we have this curious spectacle: daily the trained parrot in the pulpit gravely delivers himself of these ironies, which he has acquired at second-hand and adopted without examination, to a trained congregation which accepts them without examination, and neither the speaker nor the hearer laughs at himself. It does seem as if we ought to be humble when we are at a bench-show, and not put on airs of intellectual superiority there.

The truth hurts, but silence kills.