Use the words "I feel because I" to remind us that what we feel it isn't because of what the other person did, but because of a choice I've made.

Upset? Ask yourself what this person does that is a trigger for judging them?

The only time a message (label) can scare us is if we think there is such a thing, and that such a thing is a disgrace.

Ask before offering advice or reassurance.

We can never make anyone do anything against their will without enormous consequences.

As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism. We come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized.

Often, instead of offering empathy, we have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling.