When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

My standard comment is, If you don't want your kids to be like Bart Simpson, don't act like Homer Simpson.

I basically drew my own family. My father's name is Homer. My mother's name is Margaret. I have a sister Lisa and another sister Maggie, so I drew all of them. I was going to name the main character Matt, but I didn't think it would go over well in a pitch meeting, so I changed the name to Bart.

Are we alone in an uncaring universe, or is God some kind of wiseguy?

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun.

The next time you are contemplating a decision in which you are debating whether or not to go for the gusto, ask yourself this important question: "How long am I going to be dead?" With that perspective, you can now make a free, fearless choice to do just about any goddamned sneaky thing your devious little mind can think up. Go ahead. Have your fun. You're welcome. Go on. See you in hell.