I was in the army, and to me it was like a newsreel.

Why should I waste my good time making a straight dramatic film? The people who can't make you laugh can do that.

Woody Allen is a genius. His films are wonderful. He's poetic, but he's also a critic. He artfully steps back from a social setting and criticizes it without - I suspect - without letting himself be vulnerable to it.

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.

Writing is simply one thought after another dying upon the one before.

The final test of fame is to have a crazy person imagine he is you.

My job is to go out and entertain the most people possible.