All flights are fuelled with Leprechaun wee and my bullshit!

I'm paid about 20 times more than the average Ryanair employee and I think the gap should be wider. I probably work 50 times harder. I think I'm the most underpaid and underappreciated airline boss in Europe.

I'm here with Howard Millar and Michael Cawley, our two deputy chief executives. But they're presently making love in the gentleman's toilets, such is their excitement at today's results.

The airline business is it is mostly run by a bunch of spineless nincompoops who actually don't want to stand up to the environmentalists and call them the lying wankers that they are.

University is the best couple of years of your life. Nowhere else can you drink and chase as many birds.

Why does every plane have two pilots? Really, you only need one pilot. Let's take out the second pilot. Let the bloody computer fly it.

It reminds me of two drunks leaning on each other.