Hey kids! Let's put on a show!

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

Clark Gable once said to me, "'Acting school?' [If you go,] I'll kill ya!"

Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out." It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.

My marriage license reads, 'To whom it may concern,'

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.

Hey kids! Let's put on a show!