The film The Last Temptation of Christ, no matter what its defenders say, was a slap in the face to Christians everywhere.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

Hey kids! Let's put on a show!

The audience and I are friends. They allowed me to grow up with them. I've let them down several times. They've let me down several times. But we're all family.

Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out." It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.

It's confusing. I've had so many wives and so many children I don't know which house to go to first on Christmas.

I've been short all my life. And if anyone wonders what my dying wish will be, they can stop wondering. That will be easy. I'll just tell them, 'I'll have a short bier.'