When I was 19 years old, I was the number one star of the world for two years. When I was 40, nobody wanted me.

God bless the universe, God bless Japanese, Chinese, Indians, all of them and let's have peace.

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short.

The film The Last Temptation of Christ, no matter what its defenders say, was a slap in the face to Christians everywhere.

I've been short all my life. And if anyone wonders what my dying wish will be, they can stop wondering. That will be easy. I'll just tell them, 'I'll have a short bier.'

It's confusing. I've had so many wives and so many children I don't know which house to go to first on Christmas.

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.