I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.