I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.