Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.