Milton Berle Quotes

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.