A thing of beauty is a job forever.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.