Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.