Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.