Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.