My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.