Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.