My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.