My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.