The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."