The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.