The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.