In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.