The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.