Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?