A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.