The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.