I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.