I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.