A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.