My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!