I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.