The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.