Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.