Life is a series of embarrassing moments which leave you feeling alone in your confusion and shame

I have a fantastic method for anti-ageing. It's eating. Plumps out your skin beautifully.

Get me a skinny frappuccino. I have no idea what that is - I would like to think you would be presented with a tiny Italian man.

I don't know who St. Valentine was, but I hope he died alone, surrounded by couples.

Live in hope. Because things do happen. Things do change. Worry really is futile. Don't fear the future. Dreams do come true.

No one likes a show-off, but if parallel parking was an Olympic sport, I would get gold, no probs.

The embarrassment of a situation can, once you are over it, be the funniest time in your life. And I suppose a lot of my comedy comes from painful moments or experiences in life, and you just flip them on their head.