I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.