I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!"