I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!