I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.