I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.