I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.