Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!