Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"