Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.