Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.