It's no disgrace to be old. But damn if it isn't inconvenient.

[On turning down an invitation to appear for four minutes on the Ed Sullivan Show:] Honey, it takes Moms four minutes just to get on the stage.

[On old age:] You wake up one morning and you got it.

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

Advice to children crossing the street: damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

A woman is a woman until the day she dies, but a man's man only as long as he can

If you don't want your children to know the truth about life don't send 'em to the theater to see Moms 'cause I'm gonna tell them THE TRUTH, hear?