[On turning down an invitation to appear for four minutes on the Ed Sullivan Show:] Honey, it takes Moms four minutes just to get on the stage.

If you don't want your children to know the truth about life don't send 'em to the theater to see Moms 'cause I'm gonna tell them THE TRUTH, hear?

Love is like playing checkers. You have to know which man to move.

It's no disgrace to be old. But damn if it isn't inconvenient.

I don't want nothing old but some old money. Buy me some young ideas. That's what I'm gonna do with it.

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

Anytime you see me with my arms around an old man, I'm holding him for the police.