In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?

There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

you don't know what you think unless you say it.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.