In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.
Mort SahlThere were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong.
Mort SahlIf anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?
Mort SahlThe beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
Mort SahlWomen want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
Mort SahlMy whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.
Mort SahlWe claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man
Mort SahlA Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
Mort SahlA political satirist's job is to draw blood. I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.
Mort SahlMost people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
Mort SahlRemember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
Mort SahlObama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?
Mort SahlNew book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
Mort SahlProfessional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
Mort SahlHillary's explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?
Mort SahlI'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
Mort SahlI've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
Mort SahlThis matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
Mort SahlIf you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.
Mort SahlIf you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
Mort SahlThe fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
Mort SahlNixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
Mort Sahl