We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.