Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.'

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

The more developed your abs, the less time you've spent reading.

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.