I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

I love hard punch lines, and I like anything that has a strong point of view.

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

The idea that you're supposed to do everything on your own is absurd. You can't.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?'

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?